Valencia, Saturday: A statement from Ferrari’s Formula One team today revealed that substitute driver Luca Badoer is going to use revolutionary new technology on his car in order to replace the much-maligned KERS unit.

Disappointing: Ferrari driver Luca Badoer
Disappointing: Ferrari driver Luca Badoer

The 38-year-old Italian is deputising at the European Grand Prix for injured Ferrari driver Felipe Massa, though this fact has been largely ignored in the wake of last week’s revelation that Michael Schumacher really is retired after all.

In order to extract more from this golden opportunity, Badoer has been able to capitalise on the media circus surrounding Schumacher’s aborted return to F1, as his team are providing additional horsepower for his car in the next race, generated from the disappointment expressed by thousands of Schumacher fans who wanted to see their hero race for one last time.

“The concept is really very simple,” a Ferrari engineer explained. “Right before the race we’ll be gathering the thoughts of Ferrari fans worldwide, asking them what they think about Michael not being in the Grand Prix. Then all of that disappointment will be stored in a capacitor, ready for Luca to use for a maximum of 6.7 seconds per lap.”

The unit is to generate an extra 80bhp of power at the press of a button, an identical amount to that produced by the KERS button on Kimi Raikkonen’s sister car.

“The FIA are really open to the idea of alternative technologies,” the engineer continued, “so it’s an excellent innovation for us as it allows us to generate extra energy without some of the weight distribution problems that have hampered us with KERS.”

Early reports suggest that in the wake of the new technology, Honda are pondering a return to Formula One with a car powered entirely by disappointment. “They’re the only team with enough excess despair to make it happen,” the Ferrari technician commented.