One ping Danil, one ping only please…

It’s emerged that Danil Kyvat is indeed testing out the latest in torpedo technology, for the Russian naval fleet, under the cover of driving an F1 car. Watching military generals were impressed at the number of cars he took out, substantially improved on the last time out. New defence contractors Red Bull Racing, are hoping to impress further by take out the entire field next race in Spain, before handing Danil over to the Russian military’s procurement arm. It’s understood that they also offered several metric tonnes of their fizzy drink as part of the deal, which the Russian ministry of defence rejected as it contravened the Geneva convention on munitions.

Media lessons at MTC

Sources tell us that McLaren are hurriedly contracting media consultants, to help their drivers deal with the press when the weekend hasn’t gone completely crap. Jenson’s coped by telling journalists things are on the up – before quickly adding actually he really means it this time before chuckling. Fernando’s had to buy a new English phrase book because the old one had all the positive pages torn out for weight saving.

Not putting up wi nonsese or owt

No nonsense northener John Booth has been appointed headmaster of Faenza’s Torro Rosso finishing school. Sadly his job isn’t helped by his students limited grasp of Yorkshire-English. Apparently after a half hour red faced ranting about the boys almost hitting each other on track, and not tidying up their cockpits the previous race, Sainz and Verstappen were seen looking completely bewildered and shrugging shoulders at each other. It’s understood they’re homework will mainly consist of transcribing O2 adverts, if they can stop being distracted from stalking female journalists and team personnel on Instagram by liking all their bikini photos.