Sauber

Image: Octane Photos

There was outrage in Hinwill the other day, as the (now ex) livery designer drunk on liquor-Toblerone sweets, penned a scheme that livid insiders described “Ze deranged paintings of a man who haz taken leave ov hiz senses…”.

Bosses were furious that the livery actually looked quite good before initiating disciplinary proceedings, but it was too late to change this close to the start of the season. Rumour has it that to save face, they’ll wait until after the first race to ask the next incoming designer for the business as usual dullness.

This shouldn’t be a problem as Sauber have a recruitment policy of offering posts to more people that they can take on, and keeping them in a queue.

McLaren

Image: Octane Photographic

In a completely “surprise” move (article penned before launch – Ed), McLaren have gone with their historic orange as their new livery. It’s difficult to put into terms how many hints they’ve released, or tips leaked (on pain of death, you understand) to the media. It’s a wonder the drivers themselves didn’t/don’t appear with Donald Trump tans surrounded by oompa loompas, flanked by Easyjet cabin crew whilst drinking some tea (of the CORRECT colour) all on a giant ORANGE!!! BECAUSE McLAREN IS GOING BACK TO ORANGE!!! HAVE YOU HEARD?!? IT’S GOING TO BE ORANGE!!!

New CEO Zak Brown is obviously bedding himself nicely in at McLaren by at least getting people talking about McLaren again – and not how crap their car is, for once. Expect colour change hype every other race if this works well.

Fernando Alonso has already indicated he couldn’t care less what colour the car is, so long as it’s faster than the last two years, and his promising rookie upstart teammate does NOT bring his smelly waffles to breakfast, or else he’ll get blocked in the pitlane during crucial qualifying moments.

Renault

Image: Octane Photographic

Despite being dressed in race suits modelled on Fireman Sam, the drivers looked fairly happy. Don’t mistake that for hope, however, it was probably because the car is reasonably attractive and wins the X-Factor-esque people’s vote for best looking car thus far.

Sadly, Renault have already hit the buzzer by setting their expectations to reach a lofty 5th in the constructor’s championship. At least the drivers – with their boyish good looks, if nothing else – could make a decent crack at a boy band, and sources close to Nico have told us he has Simon Cowell’s number on standby.

(Sorry that’s now the limit of our Factor X knowledge, used up leading to that disappointing joke…)

Mercedes

Image: Octane Photographic

The Silver Arrows have released the new car in an extreme corset that even BDSM shops would raise HR issues with. It also sports an interesting T-wing piece at the top, either to get people focussing their attention there and digging out pictures of mid-1998 cars or it is indeed a TV aerial so the drivers can amuse themselves for an hour or so whilst comfortably leading at the front.

Lewis has now brought his PR machine back out of hibernation with various provoking comments about the state of F1, putting him back in the news where he obviously belongs. He’s since turned his attention to his teammate with various headlines (which – and we’re sorry – we just couldn’t be bothered to read).

When asked for a response, it’s anticipated Valtteri Bottas will give a ‘new kid in school’ polite neutral answer, grunt, and walk away.

Force India

Image: Octane Photographic

Force India have decided their 2017 challenger needs nostrils, so it can keep snarling menacingly at the top running teams and nicking their sweets whilst they aren’t looking.

Sticking around only for a few minutes and looking at the door every five seconds, a nervous looking Vijay Mallya told the gathering press he didn’t want to set goals this season.

The fact that the plucky little Silverstone outfit is up there nicking podiums from the big boys at all is a remarkable achievement given their resources, and (no seriously!) we wish them well this year.

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