So back we go to yet another one of these fad new Tilke circuits which won’t last more than a few seasons. This comes a mere 17 years after a Proton first drove round and set the first lap record. That was only a few months ago… right? No. 17yrs! God we’re feeling old.

Malaysian GP toilets, yesterday
Malaysian GP toilets, yesterday

In any event, we spoke to a certain Lord Blemington Biggleswade-Smyth the 3rd, of Northamp, in Northamption, Northamptionshire, who was scathing about all these new tracks popping up every 5 minutes. “The last thing we need,” he exclaimed proding his pipe at us, “…is more motor vehicle racing venues. What’s wrong with Aintree and the airfield near Towcaster? Bloody disgrace they are with their modern facilities, working toilets, easy parking and what not!”.

Alonso continues to take up the news column inches since his Barcelona test crash, most recently when McLaren tweeted out an update that Alonso had been at the MTC for simulator work. When we asked Alonso how this had gone, he confidently (repeatedly touching his nose) gave “his version of events”, that he had in fact been out shopping in Spain with his mum that very day for new jeans.

Furthermore, he’d never heard of the McLaren Technology Centre, Woking, or Ron Dennis. Puzzled, we went back to Ron Dennis to see if he could explain this minor discrepancy, who launched a fierce attack on us the press, for trying to drive a wedge between driver and team. He also pointed out there was nothing to prevent the two stories being true. Which helped us enormously, and thus we won’t be asking for any further awkward clarifications, ever.

Fernando Alosno - A PR dream
Fernando Alosno – A PR dream

We assumed Jenson would have been over the moon, out-qualifying his renowned and paddock worshipped team-mate. However, Jenson’s engineers have surprisingly revealed he’s distracted by his fledging career in growing moustaches, which has gone from bad to catastrophic.

Last year was very much about the teenager bum-fluff strategy, this year is an attempt to not look out of place on the sex offenders register. However, tache pundits believe Jenson will simply paint his awful brush in the colours of the earth for next season, with a view to growing a monster moustache for 2017 for the new fashion regulations. Upon revealing this to the world it’s predicted to be the best, sexiest and most stylish moustache in the world – for the first 4 months.

Until then, the best advice we’ve had is to simply look away from the TV when he’s been interviewed without his balaclava and helmet on.

Ferrari seem to have accidentally created a successful team at Maranello. The calming influence of national anthem belting ageing rockstar lookalike Maurizio Arrivabene is said to have ruffled some feathers at Fiat, who didn’t expect such a blameless harmonious culture at the prancing horse’s stable.

An insider confided in us one incident he recalled where a colleague had broken the espresso machine in the office. Expecting an immediate inquiry and multiple sackings in his department, he was shocked to see the boss put his arm around him and explain “You are a hammer, I don’t need a hammer, I need a screwdriver. Fetch me a screw driver and I will fix this machine. We are all family and we all have espresso as a team or we go without espresso as  a team”, before giving the shaking mechanic a hug.

Confused by such a management style, bosses at Fiat are considering bringing back Alonso to restore some much needed acrimony and fear, though have to weigh up the inevitable massive resurgence of whatever rival team Alonso leaves.

Seb I know you stole my ice cream...where the *** is it.
Seb I know you stole my ice cream…where the *** is it.

Vettel’s weekend was one to remember for the not young anymore German, qualifying in front of Rosberg’s Mercedes – a car supposedly utterly light years ahead of the rest of the field, and then beating a grouchy Hamilton in the race. However, you always have to bear in mind with the anglophile 4 time world champion, that he’s only a pretty average driver.

In fact, if it wasn’t for the fact that he’s in a Red Bull, it he’d never be able to win. And in fact, anybody could have guided that Torro Rosso to pole and victory at Monza in 2008, and blowing people’s minds in practice sessions at the Sauber turned BMW turned Sauber outfit was simply an accident.

As were 4 world championships. And he can’t overtake, as Alonso at Silverstone last year may testify to. That all said, the likeable German with not very German humorous qualities, if it came to it, would probably mug your elderly granny at knifepoint for a few tenths on the track, or hide Kimi’s ice cream stash if he was getting a bit close on the timesheets.

In case you haven’t got it already “Have We Got F1 News For You” is about as serious as Luca Badoer is a good F1 driver.  Enjoy the satire and share with your friends using the pretty icons below.