Bernie Chasing The Dollar Shocker

The motorsport heritage-rich country of Azerbaijan continues to look certain to take over the reins from the dull, uninterested spectators of the Italian Grand Prix. Mr Ecclestone is also reportedly moving the Circuit Of The Americas track to Cuba, where there’s a particularly large motorsport interest (read ‘cheque’) building pace. When pushed, Bernie (might have) said; “Who said Cuba wasn’t in North America? That’s a pretty stupid thing to say if you ask me. Total idiots. North of the Mexican border? What’s that got to do with anything? What’s that behind you? What’s this bunny rabbit doing in this hat? What’s that coin behind your ear? That’s my dollar. And I think you’ll find you owe me interest on that. I’ll have to talk to my lawyers. Then we’ll have to wait, and see.

Audi to F1 Confirmed. Probably.

It’s another day ending in the letter Y, prompting wild speculation that Audi are about to enter Formula One. Again. On the off-chance it’s a slow news day tomorrow, we’ll pretend we’ve phoned and asked the guys at Inglostadt in Germany, who exclusively would reveal to us that it just isn’t the case.

Furthermore, we heard that one of the Audi cafeteria staff channel-surfed passed the Chinese Grand Prix coverage at lunch that Sunday to find the live Bundesliga game, so in a couple of weeks we’ll present that as proof they are looking seriously into F1. Or one day they’ll think “sod it” – it would be far easier to just form an F1 operation just to give the media team a break.

Confirmed - Audi's entry into F1
Confirmed – Audi’s entry into F1

Speculation that Audi are literally about to enter F1 have emerged since we last covered it in our feature, but this time because Helmut Marko said so. It emerged that Helmut is “in talks” with the group, which may or may not have included the blunt, verbal diarrhoea churning Austrian marching into a dealership, gesticulating and demanding they give him an engine, any engine. When staff pointed out he was pointing at the dealer’s lawnmower, he indicated it would still be a step up from the current Renault V6.

It remains to be see whether even Bernie will get tired of the stuck record that is Dietrich Mateschitz’ threat to pull one fifth of the current grid, and simply offer the places to a team with real racing heritage, rather than some overpriced fizzy pop cars that only race drivers with alterations to the name “Daniel”.

Lotus Get Mad

The new upgrades for Lotus were hailed as a success during the secret night time Spanish test, where they tried out the new flamethrowers and machine guns under the auspices of the Mad Max film promotion.

Despite asking, we haven’t had a clear answer from the FIA if they permit offensive weapon systems to be used on the cars, instead they simply repeated the fact they “weren’t in the spirit of the regulations”. As a result, Adrian Newey is now strongly considering a return to full time F1.

In any case, if cockpit operated assault weapons were deemed to be too dangerous for F1, the Enstone outfit would keep them anyway and insist they weren’t been used via a secret menu, despite the circuit being strewn with carbon fibre and the cars missing huge amounts of body work.

Depending on which of their drivers was at the wheel, they may have a point.

Nope. We can't think of anything to say
Nope. We can’t think of anything to add. (@LotusF1Team)