The Beginning Is Nigh!

The traditional unveiling season has just kicked off, with a 46 hour unveiling of the new Force McLaren India Mercedes to an eventual bloated assembly of journalist corpses. Even before the the pre-season work of F1 2015 gets going, where the now mandated quantity of engineer head scratching must be completed, the required vast quantities of unburnt fuel must be carefully poured unseen into the Jerez drainage system, and drivers respond to endless questions about how fast their car will be with the same default monotone answer (or smirk in the Mercedes case), we can look forward to a cacophony of glitz and sexy entertainment. Followed by the McLaren unveiling.

Lotus Web Servers Crash Inexplicably

Already as we’ve alluded to, the news is coming thick and fast, so let’s dive in. Firstly, we’ve learnt that Venezuelan F1 star Pastor Maldanado has revealed if he wasn’t a Formula One driver he’d hopefully have been a fighter pilot. Fighter pilots are, of course, well known for being deadly, dangerous and slightly psychotic, so there’s every chance Pastor could have made a great (if exceptionally short) career. This answer came during a typically zany social media onslaught by those crazy cats at Enstone, where much more was revealed, which we couldn’t really be bothered to wade through to be honest.

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Pastor Maldanado answering social media questions, cut short when Lotus web servers inexplicably crashed. (Picture Credit: @Lotus_F1Team)

World Champion’s Style Guru Revealed

Lewis Hamilton is sporting a (probably) fashionable hair do, and you have to give credit to his girlfriend and style guru, Nicole Shirt-Zinger. She (probably might have) said “It’s every girl’s dream to have a life-sized doll you can dress up and take out. It all started when I was picking out clothes one morning for him and told him he’d be much faster if he wore what I wanted. I actually meant ‘we’ but…..”

Marussia/Manor Set To Secure Funding

We’ve also learnt that Manor GP are about to announce (any second now) an exciting new owner with lots and lots of money, and not a care in the world what happens to it. Progress on this and all other aspects of their 2015 campaign are said to be bang on schedule, despite the cars being “somewhere in the middle east” in crates covered in camel dung, sand and arabic graffiti.

Unwavering, noises from the team are still positive, and they are confident their compliment of 4 staff, plus the office temp, a rusty ford transit bought from a travelling fair and a second-hand Halfords tool set can make great strides in their ’15 campaign, further closing the gap to the midfield for the 5th year running. All this and more denials of crisis of any kind, have been persistently repeated by the team’s marketing juggernaut with much gusto.

One rumour that their latest recruit to the PR team was the ex information minister to Saddam Hussain, nicknamed “Comical Ali” for his wild delusional proclamations in 2003, was dismissed as nonsense to us by their new spokesperson, Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf.

Ferrari Get Engine Reprieve

Also revealed recently, the FIA finally relented through an engine regulation loophole found by Ferrari to allow them and Renault to try and catch up to Mercedes. Even more embarrassing for the sports governing body, this loophole found by the Prancing Horse was in fact found to be real, and not conjured up like during the aftermath of the 1999 Malaysian GP, for example.

It was subsequently deemed appropriate teams would be allowed to interpret the precise, and draconian, regulations in such a manner, they be able to do pretty much whatever the heck they fancied within certain guidelines; save for using exotic ingredients in the engine such as jam sponge. And hens teeth. But not Honda, who have to stick with their as yet untested designs.

The FIA were reportedly astonished when the Japanese giant had the audacity to call into question this decision, in the most well spirited, uncompetitive, gentlemanly and happy-go-lucky of sports, but couldn’t be bothered to argue.

Have We Got F1 News For You is a satirical take on all things Grand Prix. We do not intend for it to be taken seriously, or to cause offence in any way.