Enstone, Wednesday: The Renault Formula One team’s factory has today been blockaded by an angry horde of milestones, enraged at Flavio Briatore’s slanderous comments about them over the weekend.
The Renault boss described world championship leader Jenson Button as a paracarro, which is Italian slang for the milestones found at the side of the road, marking the distances between towns. A representative of the Italian National Union of Milestones, however, described the anger of the milestone community at these remarks.
“Mr. Briatore is totally out of order,” the featureless concrete post told reporters. Somehow. “None of our union members have ever purchased an expensive yacht instead of trying to do their job properly, we always honour our contracts and the NUM’s official policy strictly forbids any member from growing silly facial hair. In short, milestones are nothing like Jenson Button.”
Confusion over the exact translation of paracarro means that the protesting milestones were also joined by isolated groups of other posts and bollards from a variety of functions. When asked about their presence, the union representative described them as “Splitters,” in a manner vaguely reminiscent of some movie or other, and declined to comment further.
Renault employees have been greeted by chaos as they arrived at the factory today, with most of the parking spaces in the team’s car park being blocked by angry protestors. “We’re seriously considering calling in the Metropolitan Police to disproportionately deal with this minor disturbance,” Renault technical director Pat Symonds said.
Briatore was incandescent at the tenacity of the milestones gathering in front of his office, flying into an incomprehensible rage about something unintelligible to our reporters. “I think he was a bit angry,” one source said.
Reports also suggest that an unhappy group of pensioners are planning to descend on Enstone later in the day, to protest about Briatore’s comparison of Rubens Barrichello with a retired person. Quite how a collection of inanimate concrete posts managed to arrive at the factory before a bunch of old people has yet to be explained.