Woking, Thursday: Bizarre reports today from McLaren’s Woking headquarters suggest that a hitherto unidentified Finnish character has been wandering around the team’s base, acting as if he were a driver for the team.
None of our sources were able to identify the mysterious figure, who appears vaguely familiar to some, but has mostly been cast off as someone remembered erroneously from a dream, or a late-night TV movie watched while drunk.
Even McLaren themselves were unable to shed any light on the identity of the person, with a spokesman for the team saying: “We think we know who he is, but we just can’t place him. We might have seen him before, but then again, maybe not. But seeing as you’re here, can we draw your attention to our lead driver, Lewis Hamilton? He’s very important.”
Hamilton himself was asked if he knew who the person was, but could not give a meaningful response, only thanking the team for being allowed to answer questions posed to him by journalists.
Several websites have popped up in the last few days suggesting possible solutions to the “unknown Finn” problem. Explanations currently range from the speculation that he is a space alien, to the rather more benign possibility that Mika Hakkinen has contracted some form of rare condition that makes him appear much younger. “It’s well known that this can happen with excessive exposure to saunas,” somebody at Planet-F1 commented with typical accuracy.
McLaren also revealed the shock realisation that this mystery figure had been driving their second car for quite a long time without anyone realising it. “What? We have a second car?” asked team principal Martin Whitmarsh when this fact was reported to him.
One theory that the team are currently working on is that the driver is a low-quality clone of Kimi Raikkonen, accidentally stolen from Ferrari during the Spygate affair.