This week the news has been ALL about team orders. Well here’s a team order courtesy of Podium or Pits… POP orders everyone to stop so blatantly fixing our beloved grand prix races!

The faces say it all (c) LAT

PITS. Felipe Massa –

Fernando Alonso got his hollow victory at Hockenheim, and Ferrari came away from the weekend $100,000 poorer, but it was Felipe Massa who was the biggest loser of the weekend. You don’t become world champion by being the ‘nice’ guy; just look at Michael Schumacher. Some say it was in fact ‘sportsman-like’ of Massa to gift Alonso the win, but it’s not very like a sportsman to just give up and let someone else beat you when they didn’t deserve the win.

If Massa stays with Ferrari he will be in a fast car, but he will never win the world championship. If he moves to another team his reputation as a lap dog will do him no favours either. Man up Massa! Show those Italian prancing poncy lot what you’re capable of!

PITS. Rob Smedley –

Oh dear, Rob. POP understands that you have to tow the corporate line sometimes, but nowhere in a person’s contract does it ever state that you have to tell properly bad porky pies. It was pure cringe to watch Rob Smedley’s post-race attempt to (very badly) pull the wool over our eyes. His ramblingly rubbish excuses sounded more like a child telling his teacher “but Sir, the dog ate my homework, honest!” Yeah, right.

To help Smedders with his future delivery of team orders, POP has compiled a handy list of code words for use during the race:

“Put the car into P-K mode” = crash into a wall at 180mph to allow Alonso to cheat his way to a win (see Nelson Piquet, Singapore 2008).

“It looks as though you have a pressure problem” = Uh oh, Stefano Domenicali is on the phone to Luca di Montezemolo again, watch out!

“That’s it Felipe baby! Today is your day! Don’t let Alonso through whatever you do!” = move out of the way for Alonso NOW!

To watch Smedders’ poor post-race performance for yourselves below!

PITS. Stefano Domenicali –

Why the pits for Ferrari bos Domenicali? He’s a coward, that’s why. He should have given the team order over the radio, not ‘Reluctant Rob’ Smedley. And after the race he should have taken some more responsibility, “my President [Luca di Montezemolo], I have to report to him, you know” said Domenicali. Coward.

PODIUM. F1 controversy –

The actual racing has been nothing short of spectacular this season, excluding Bahrain and Hockenheim of course. However, POP does have a penchant for some good old-fashioned Formula 1 scandal. Which is why POP constantly pines for Flavio Briatore and his cheating ways, sigh. Nevermind, there’s one thing that this season has been lacking, and that’s controversy. Thankfully this wish came true last weekend at Hockenheim!

There’s nothing more dull than everyone getting along, hugging, slapping each other on the back, taking happy clappy barge holidays together on the Norfolk Broads, and naming their first-borns after each other. Boring! Grab POP the sick bucket will you? Thanks.

PITS. Force India –

What? There were other teams racing at Hockenheim? Unbelievable! But true. The ‘Team Orders’ furore dominated all the headlines this week, so you’d be forgiven for not noticing that anything else happened during last weekend’s grand prix. Force India have been lucky really to have avoided press attention, because during the race they made a HIL-AR-IOUS mistake!

They somehow managed to get the drivers’ tyres the wrong way round, in other words they put Liuzzi’s tyres on Sutil’s car and vice versa. This is strictly against the sporting regulations, so the cars had to re-pit to rectify the problem or face exclusion from the race! Someone at Force India needs to go to Specsavers…

PODIUM. Top Gear –

Thought the BBC program Top Gear had lost its edge? Think again. A brilliant, interesting, reverent tribute to the late great Ayrton Senna.

Click here to watch on BBC iplayer (for UK users only).