Just as the first Barcelona test was drawing to an end, another high profile – but equally underwhelming – event was counting its celebrities. But let’s face it, most of us won’t waste much of our Albert Park yearning time with tales of failed actors and working moms. So, let me review the nominated films in terms you might understand better, while also telling the main upcoming stories of the 2015 Formula One season.
From red carpets to red racers, here are the movies that we both know you’d rather watch. For full disclosure I should mention I didn’t bother to see any of them, as I spent my winter honing my photoshop skills instead. I will just take the original plot and make stuff up as I go along, as most Metacritic reviewers seem to do anyway.
Read below to find out why Bernie moves to Pluto, Romain wears a wig and Seb goes on a bull hunt as I take F1 to the movies!
The Imitation Game
In 2014, a newly created German intelligence agency recruits McLaren technical alumnus Paddy Lowe (not quite Benedict Cumberbatch) to crack Newey codes – codes which cryptanalysts had thought unbreakable. Paddy’s team thoroughly analyse his rivals while he builds a machine to replicate their success.
Paddy and team finally succeed and become heroes, but in 2015 others start to crack the code and they themselves become the target of replication, controversy and potential boos.
Former racing superhero Fernando is staging an ambitious Woking production that he hopes will breathe new life into his stagnant career. It’s risky, but he hopes that his creative gamble will prove that he’s a real contender and not just a washed-up champ.
As opening night approaches, an engine deficit becomes apparent, forcing him to pray for something special to shake things up between his Merc-powered rivals. Meanwhile, Fernando must deal with girlfriend gossip, annoying sponsor commitments and a team mate in his exact same situation.
[Birdman might have won Best Picture, but I have a feeling this might struggle to make the nominations by the end of the year]
When wealthy Maurizio Arriveswell invites world champion Sebastian Vettel to move to his estate and help form a racing team for the 2015 championship, Seb sees a way to step out of the shadow of his charismatic teammate, Dan. However, he begins to realize that beating his new and equally charismatic (but in an entirely different way) teammate is even more vital to his record-breaking aspirations.
Kingsboy: The Secret Service
Daniil, an unrefined but promising street kid, lives in Italian housing estate and seems headed for a life of teenage unemployment. However, not-quite-007 agent Marko recognises potential in the youth and recruits him to be a trainee into the agency’s ultra-competitive training program, just as a global threat emerges from the villainous couple Wolff-Lowe, who launch a diabolical plan to solve the economic crisis via a worldwide spending spree.
[No, not because he’s Russian, but the boy has proven he can rock the suit & sunglasses combo.]
A live-action retelling of the classic story of a historical Cinderella team who wins (back) the hearts of the nation despite tricky circumstances and years of doing chores in the midfield. With the help of the fairy godmother, a young prince and a reinvented Brazilian coachman, the promising yet underrated princess fulfils its destiny to reach the spotlight.
But, as the clock hits midnight (and the Merc behind it hits the DRS button), the dream slips from its reach. The updated fairy tale follows the team’s attempt to be the princess bride, rather than the bridesmaid.
[Ok, not technically an Oscars movie, but the alternative was a photoshop of Felipe & Valtteri as the Hawkings couple.]
The joys and pitfalls of growing up are seen through the eyes of a child named Max, his older brother Carlos and their famous parents. Vignettes, filmed with the same cast over the course of 17 years, capture family meals, road trips, birthday parties, podium celebrations, selfies and other important milestones.
A story buzzworthy through its impressive numbers, family history and uncharted potential, but one that will most likely wither once the spotlight is back on the action movies at the forefront of the grid.
Driven to the edge by the loss of her beloved sponsors, the dissolution of her team and a headlong dive into self-destructive pay driver behaviour, Monisha makes a decision to halt her downward spiral and put her team back together again.
With unexperienced drivers, a sponsor-light car and little else to go on but her own will, she sets out alone to hike the Albert Park Trail – the sport’s first in a line of year-long and financially-tough climbs.
Into the Woods
As a result of the curse of a Finnish wizard, a businessman and his team are trophy-less. Three months before the rise of a blue moon (and the fall of a checkered flag), they venture into the forest to find the ingredients that will reverse the spell and restore the team’s glory: a midnight-black gallon of paint, a pot of money that might as well be gold and a purebred Mercedes engine. During their journey, they meet Sauberella, Little Red Carbon Hood, Redbunzel and McJack, each one on a lacklustre quest to find success.
In Silverstone, Northamptonshire, former yacht-party-thrower Vijay and his glamorous Mexican money present the portrait of a blissful marriage to the public. However, when their car goes missing on the couple’s first testing date, money becomes the prime suspect in her disappearance.
The resulting media pressure causes the team’s image of a happy union to crumble, leading to tantalizing questions about where Nico and Sergio’s careers truly stand.
Dr Ron Dennis is a renowned linguistics professor at the MTC. When words begin to fail him as to why his team is fairing so poorly, he must come face-to-face with a devastating diagnosis: early-onset championship loss.
As the once-vibrant team struggles to hang on to her sense of self for as long as possible, Ron’s two (too) grown up drivers must watch helplessly as their title chances disappear more and more with each passing day.
[On the up side, Ron Dennis gets an Oscar in an alternate universe.]
In F1’s future, a global greed blight and a second major regulations revolution are slowly rendering the sport uninhabitable. Professor Ecclestone, a brilliant bribe physicist, is working on plans to save costs by transporting F1’s population to a new home via a wormhole.
But first, he must send a suitcase and a team of bankers through the wormhole and across the galaxy to find out which of three places could be the European GP’s new home; Brunei, Antarctica or Pluto.